Post by GRAVY on May 21, 2013 6:31:59 GMT -5
Ok, so to tell the truth... I'm having a bit of a shit time of it at the moment. As some of you may know, I am seeing a psychologist for a few problems. I thought tonight was gonna be fine, I wasn't really that depressed, I hadn't cut for over a month, but then I just kind of felt all weird, I don't know. I don't even know why I do it, I'm just stupid or something. I really hate my mum for not letting me see my baby sisters, that's a big part of it. I looked after them, I fed them, dressed them, played with them, put them to sleep, god I used to wake up in the middle of the night when they cried and I'd go into her room to make sure she'd heard them, even though they were right next to her! My life from about nine years old, til I was eleven, was just looking after babies, not even going to school. I missed out on my education because of her, to look after her children, and she thanks me by kicking me out of her home and banning me from seeing them because I have an evil heart and will tempt them from the ways of god! My stepdad told me I was going to hell, and that was even BEFORE I told them I was a wiccan! All my life I've depended on having to look after somebody, or something else. My way of being cared for, is being able to care for others. It's what makes me feel worth it, feel needed, feel loved, and now my dad won't even let me get a pet rat if I buy it myself. He doesn't even have to see it, and he just doesn't want me to get one because he doesn't like the way their tails look! I'm still furious because they said they'd talk about it if I got good grades, and I did, but they broke their promise, and even though I look after my sisters mice, who would probably die without me, and clean them out every week, I'm still not allowed to get a pet rat, simply because some of my pets died early, which has also torn me up. My BEST ever friend, my rat Lewis, died of possibly food poisoning or fright. He escaped one night and went to eat from the compost, I found him and he looked really dozy, and so I picked him up, laughing and cuddling him, and put him back in his cage, not knowing that that would be the last time I saw him alive. I pretty much screamed all morning, and was in tears the rest of the day, and to add insult to injury, my bastard of a stepdad LAUGHED and said that he probably died from eating too much, simply because Lewis was putting on weight for winter! You don't say that to a hysterically sobbing 12 year old who's just lost their one year old best friend in the world! People think I'm weird for still crying about him 2 years later, but I say fuck them, you'd cry if you'd lost your best ever friend, someone who loved cuddles, and loved you, and listened to every word you said without questioning you or laughing at you. He NEEDED me and I most definately needed him, and I miss him so much.
Done!
Done!
